Saturday, January 29, 2011

Choosing the Perfect Boat

Well, it's still early being only the end of January.  But for those of you intent on purchasing a boat this year, there are many things to consider when choosing the proper vessel.  My professional life is dedicated to matching people with the perfect hull for their needs.  The list of options available to a boater is just mind-boggling! 

I mean think about it...when you buy a car what do you consider?  Your purchase may be based on a number of factors including seating capacity, horsepower, and styling.  But cars are just tools to get us to and from places, and most people are looking for a mix of practicality and cost. 

Its not the same with a boat.  Unless you are a commercial fisherman or a ferry operator, you do not need a boat!  So the first thing to do when you are in the process of buying a boat is to throw "practicality" overboard.  And for the sake of argument's sake, let's just assume you are disgustingly wealthy.  If you are not practical, and you are stinking makes it a lot easier to find the perfect boat. 

So for those of us that fit this category, here is the description of the perfect vessel:

Hypothetical boat must have lots of open area for fishing, with nothing in the way to foul hooks.  Of course there must be plenty of seating throughout the fishing area with delicate, soft fabrics that do not stain, wear, and are hook-proof.  The seating is of course, U-Shaped in the cockpit to accomodate the most friends while fishing.  Of course these seats should recess into the floor, so that if one determines friends are in the way, annoying, or catching too many fish, one can push a button, and the entire seat assembly along with friends will disappear below the deck.

Now, the next thing that is important is the boat needs to sleep six comfortably.  During the day,however, the beds need to disappear so that one can have room for coolers, a fold-up bicycle, dining table, helicopter, and fishing rods. 

On sunny days, the boat needs to be a center console, on rainy days it needs to have a full windshield with canvas, and on cold days the boat needs a pilot house so it can be properly heated.

The boat needs to be trailer-legal and have less than a 1' draft so one can bass fish a few feet from the neighbor's lawn.  It should definitely have twin engines and a bow thruster to allow trouble-free docking, but fuel consumption should be no more that two gallons per hour. 

Finally, the boat must be seaworthy enough to take a 12' sea head-on, but light enough so it can be moved about the yard by hand.

This my friends, is the perfect boat.  I wish you luck on your quest in finding yours!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Artificial Summer at the Bangor Mall

It's cold!  I don't mean chilly or brisk.  I mean chapped lips, runny nose, skin freezes to stuff you touch, can't get out of bed, oil bill is way too high, car won't start, clothes make you look like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man, roof is about to collapse from snow, driving across town is downright dangerous, and blankets are now part of your wardrobe cold!

It can make someone go crazy...maybe decide to jump on a plane to warmer climates.  Not me though...I've taken refuge in a magical place called the Bangor Mall.  Here, the temperature is always a perfect 72 degrees and new, high-efficiency lighting can be mistaken for actual sunlight.  And to ward off the evil winter gods, I've surrounded myself with brand new boats. 

Believe it or not, a lot of people seem to like my little island here.  There is plenty to look at, and the prospect of warmer weather seems to be popular with folks.  It may not seem logical to order your boat when the windchill is -35, but right now you can pave your boating future this summer and feel good about saving a lot of money with incentives from the boat and motor companies! 

Even if you aren't ready to buy a boat, you should definitely come down and see our artificial paradise we've constructed in the food court.  Come on down, sit in the helm seat of a new boat, close your eyes, and take a bite of that Dairy Queen Blizzard.   Oh yeah...just like summer!!!!

Friday, January 7, 2011

The Grinch Who Stole the Hamlin Herald

I'm sitting down again to write a new edition of the Hamlin Herald for our upcoming boat shows.  The Hamlin Herald is our newsletter that I started writing about 6 years ago.  A few years ago, my newsletter was pretty hip.  Now, I feel like I might as well be writing on papyrus and stuffing it into tubes in a cave somewhere to be discovered by future archaeologists.  Does my newsletter belong on the same shelf as the Dead Sea Scrolls?  What I mean is...will people really read a ten-page, black & white newsletter in 2011?

I really don't know.  I don't know because some freckled-faced twenty-six year old kid named Zuckerberg changed everything I know about the way people communicate.  You know him..."Time Man of the Year" and CEO of this little Ma & Pop called Facebook.  Zuckerberg is the human form of the Grinch who Stole Christmas.  If you take the Town of Whoville and consider it the entire world, I can draw a lot of similarities between what happened in the make-believe town and what is happening all around us today. 

Whoville was a joyous town because it was a winter wonderland with cute little cartoon creatures who trusted everyone while spreading unconditional love.  They also did a heck of a job decorating the town for Santa's arrival.  They were naive little creatures, and they were ripe for some villain to come take advantage of them.

I liken the overall atmosphere of Whoville to our world prior to social networking.  Prior to social networking we could pretend our friends and family were perfect, moral citizens of the earth doing their best to spread joy and love just like the folks of Whoville.  Now, through our ability to see the day to day activites of those all around us, we can no longer live blind. 

Now for that green furry Grinch guy.  That guy busted into town and made everyone feel that no one was safe anymore by stealing all those presents.  When Zuckerberg created Facebook...he didn't give a flying squirrel about my Hamlin Herald.  My once loved piece of literary genius began sitting in stacks on the counter collecting dust.  Did my writing now stink...had I run out of things to say?  Maybe, but I also think that people stopped reading anything printed on 8 1/2" x 11" inch paper, neatly stapled in the upper left-hand corner. 

So, I've got a bit of personal beef with Zuckerberg...I'm sure he is soooo worried.  But then again, I don't have to suffer from papercuts while stacking and labeling a few thousand newsletters anymore.  And I can save a bundle on postage.  My ego is a little bruised though, because I see those poor Hamlin Heralds from years past still hanging around in our stores.

So, there will only be one Hamlin Herald this year, and it will probably be more condensed and "to the point".  No time anymore for literary tangents.  I may splurge on a color edition with all the money I will be saving on postage.  If you still are from the Stone Age and find comfort in tangible reading material, please let me know.  I will make sure you get one of the rare copies.  It is so nice and cozy to snuggle up by the fire with a real live newsletter. 

So, Zuckerberg...thank you.   Thank you for showing all of us the way of the future.  Like the Grinch, we know that you will turn out to be a benevolent creature in the end.